Reading Lists

While I was visiting my friend, Chris, down in Tucson, I was admiring her late husband’s book collection. Selling beautifully bound “Great Book” collections used to be a thing–maybe it still is. I have my own collection of world fiction classics with leather binding, gold lettering, marbled end papers, and silk ribbons to mark your place. That got me to pondering what are the current best books to read.

I am a fan of nonfiction so I went looking for the ubiquitous lists that clog the internet. The Greatest Books gives you 1319 nonfiction titles, generated from 130 “best books” lists. That might keep you busy for a while, but if you are interested in more recent works, Book Riot gives you the top twenty nonfiction books of the past decade. Good Housekeeping has a list with a slight bias toward women’s and social issues. You obviously can pick and choose your focus based on the source of the list.

I get a lot of my ideas for books to read from the reviews in The Economist and other media sources. Whenever Retired Admiral James G. Stavridis is interviewed on NBC news, he has a book prominently displayed on a table behind him (he is often the author). The Sailor’s Bookshelf: Fifty Books to Know the Sea looked so interesting I got my hands on a copy. It’s obviously another book list and with a very particular emphasis.

One of the books I found on the Discovery weekly list of best nonfiction books was The Art of Cruelty: A Reckoning by Maggie Nelson. This book seems to address the very issues I was writing about in my last blog post, Killing the Dog. I have it on reserve at the library now and can’t wait to read it.

I was surprised, and perhaps shouldn’t have been, at the number of these books I have read. I just might be better informed and well read than I thought. But there are a great many I have yet to read. These reading lists should keep me occupied all through the summer, deep into the winter, and well beyond. Great adventures lie ahead, and I am eager and ready to begin.

Image: Where the books live, Kansas City Public Library, Waldo Branch. By Marilyn Evans.

Killing the Dog

One famous maxim about writing is “Don’t kill the dog”, its premise being readers will tolerate a lot, but killing a beloved pet is beyond the pale—you risk losing your readers who can forgive a lot, but not that. Of course, rules are made to be broken if there is a good enough reason. Old Yeller and John Wick both kill the dog. John Wick’s story has to justify the murder and mayhem that ensues because a horrible injustice was done to him and his dog, Daisy. This is how we know what bad people John is up against so anything he does is justified (and they are trying to kill him as well, so, self defense). It may be cheap and cheesy short hand, but it gets the job done. Old Yeller, like so many children’s books, is trying to teach kids a lesson that is good for them. I abandoned children’s books from an early age because of the “lessons.” I asked myself, incredulous, the Little Princess is supposed to suck up all the abuse she got when she was suddenly poor, then all was forgiven when she was rich again? I don’t think so.

Children’s literature disgusted my grade-school self, so I turned to murder mysteries. Death usually happened early and off-stage. The rest of the story was about catching the bad guy(s) (usually through cleverness and perseverance) and dispensing justice. I didn’t need those depressing children’s books. I learned my “good for you lessons” from “The Twilight Zone” and “Alfred Hitchcock Presents”. The bad guys may not always have been caught by the authorities, but the universe had a way of evening things up. One way or another, justice came and no dogs were harmed.

Beyond avoiding killing the beloved pet, how authors write about death and violence depends on the genre. The mysteries I was reading when I was a child were mostly “cozies” with characters like Agatha Christie’s Miss Marple or Dorothy L. Sayers’s Lord Peter Wimsey. But not all mysteries are cozies, and I have enjoyed gritty novels, films, and television programs as well. These can get extremely violent, and the morality sometimes is ambiguous. No one would describe the writing of Dashiell Hammett, Raymond Chandler, or Thomas Harris as cozies. True crime can be the most violent of all genres, sometimes with little or no justification for the violence, but hopefully, because the crime has been discovered, solved, and written about, justice was finally served. In the end, most readers and viewers want some sort of justice, even if it is the Twilight Zone kind.

You may recall I’m a fan of horror fiction. Once upon a time, a lot of the violence in horror was fantastical and often had some moral basis underlying it. Fairly stern censorship also limited the depiction of violence during certain eras, but a sub-genre of horror has arisen in the last decades that is increasingly violent. Though “classic” horror still persists, non-human monsters and psychological thrills have in many cases given way to slashers and gore—who dies and how can be pretty much no holds barred.

Our views on violence have changed over time, and our attitudes are affected by the context. How would you write this story? A man slaps another man in a very public setting to defend his wife’s honor. At a certain time and in a certain place, this would demand a duel. In a tragedy, the loyal husband would be killed or maimed. A comedy, a mystery, a romance, a horror story would likely all handle the situation and its outcome differently. In real life, Will Smith gets shunned, and Chris Rock gets sold-out audiences. Assaulting someone in public is not acceptable, we say, suggesting nowadays we have a lower tolerance for violence in real life than in fiction or in the past. But do we?

A man claims self defense, and is free to walk the streets after killing someone. If the man “in fear for his life” is a White police officer and the “threat” is an unarmed Black man, how do we feel about that? How do we read it? How do we write it? Or if a man has a permit for his gun, is startled awake by yelling men crashing into an apartment, and reaches for his gun, is he standing his ground and defending himself? And if the intruders turn out to be cops with a no-knock warrant and possibly the wrong apartment, is that different? Is it a horror story, a tragedy, or an extremely dark comedy? Does race, gender, nationality, social status of the victim or the cops make a difference? Should it? I image how you read it and write it, may very much depend on your personal experience.

If you have a friend or relative who has been the victim of violence, or you yourself have been victimized, you might respond differently to a fictionalized account of an incident that resembles your own. If it’s personal, all abstraction is gone—this was real, this happened to me, and I’m not detached, I’m not okay with it.

How realistic is the violence in modern fiction? How realistic should it be? A convenient fictional device is to hit someone over the head to render them unconscious, removing them from the action but not killing them. In reality, this kind of attack can lead to permanent brain damage or even death. In the novella “Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption”, Stephen King describes a beating that renders a man permanently crippled. This is entirely possible. People who are violently attacked don’t usually jump right back up and carry on as though nothing has happened. Few authors describe the true toll of violence on the body and the mind.

Writers are told there can be no story without conflict. One quick and easy route to conflict can be a fight and a body count. The people who die may become ciphers, not real, not important except to show the prowess of the one killing them. In the real world, dead people have families and friends who mourn them. I have long thought that if more stories told about the aftermath of violence, the emergency rooms and months or perhaps years of physical therapy a victim might endure, it might seem less attractive to those who try to emulate their fictional heroes or anti-heroes by assaulting others. The quiet scene of the family at the grave side does little to show how damaged a death leaves family and friends. Yet for all the discomfort and reluctance authors (and perhaps their publishers) may feel, some stories have addressed the aftermath of death—its effect on those left behind, the ones truly grieving and feeling all the pain. Some novels and memoirs deal honestly with the pain of loss. Do we really want to read about this? Isn’t it painful and uncomfortable? Should it be?

I wonder how we will write the violence of the war in Ukraine. The Russian soldiers have been told a story—that Nazi’s are committing genocide against Russian-speaking people—so any violence they commit is justified. But even if they believe this, how could anything justify the torture, rape, execution of non-combatants, the indiscriminate deaths of children, pregnant women, and old people? Even animals are not safe from the violence. Ukrainian cows have been shot dead, in one instance while they stood in their stanchions waiting to be milked. I doubt there is any evidence that they were Nazi cows. Once violence is unleashed, it is often hard to contain. The Russian soldiers seem to have lost sight of what it is they are trying to accomplish, unless the death of every living thing in Ukraine is their true goal.

I fear violence and death casually depicted in fiction may desensitize people and should be used carefully, yet truthful depictions are required to ground a story in the sometimes grim realities of the world. Storytellers have a responsibility in how they portray those realities. I believe we must write honestly about the consequences of violence, the harm that can be inflicted, mental as well as physical. One of the things that makes Stephen King a great horror writer is that in as little as a paragraph he can make you care about a character so when he kills off that person in the next paragraph, you are horrified. And we should be horrified when someone is killed by violence. Anyone. Not just the dog.

Image: Bourbon, a dog who is very much alive. By Laurie Jackson-Prater.

Making Families

A friend once invited me to a party with a lot of people she worked with. I didn’t know anyone there except her, but I’m a social critter so that didn’t stop me from interacting with this gang of university types. After all, I read a book once (and had recently dropped out of a PhD program, but that’s another story). There was this guy surrounded by a few folks who was spouting some crap about how the American family was imperiled and dead or dying. Never one to be shy about keeping my opinions to myself (especially when there is alcohol involved), I challenged him. My view is that family is so important that if we don’t have one or if the one we have fails to serve, we create a new family. My friend was utterly humiliated–the guy was a professor who taught family relations or some such. But he WAS wrong. I’ve seen all kinds of families that took the place of absent or dysfunctional families. I belong to some.

Social, recreational, mutual support, religious, and other kinds of groups can become the family we need when we need it. We will seek out people who provide emotional, social, and maybe even financial help. We need that. We crave it. And if your birth family doesn’t provide what you need, you have every right to join a different family, one of your own choosing, your own creation. The internet has made it easier to meet and become part of communities of support and to help in forming new families to fill the needs of those who can not get what they so desperately need from their biological kin.

This morning I read about Stepan, a social media sensation with over one million followers, an influencer who also happens to be a cat. He used to live in Ukraine. Suddenly, Instagram and TikTok posts from Stepan stopped. His followers waited an anxious two weeks before they finally heard that he was safely in France. His human, Anna, and her two sons were able to escape the heavily bombed city of Kharkiv. Once they were in Poland, help came from The World Influencers and Bloggers Association and the organization’s CEO and founder Maria Grazhina Chaplin. Last year this organization named Stepan one of the world’s top “petfluencers.”

Through the media, social networks, and other resources, a great many of us have joined an international family that  watches and waits anxiously as our distant, new loved ones deal with the atrocities of an unprovoked assault on their home. Volodymyr Zelenskyy has become our favorite cousin, loved and admired by the whole family, while Vladimir Putin seems like the creepy uncle you wish your Aunt Betty would divorce.  Through social media and instant news, we are closer than ever to people we can and should love and support.

As winter turns to spring, we all pray this war will end and restore our family and friends, human and animal alike, to a peaceful world. When it is finally over, rebuilding will be a long and difficult process. Hopefully the people of Ukraine will get some help from their new world family. In the mean time, I’ll be planting sunflowers in my garden.

Some information for this post came from the Washington Post article “How Stepan, Ukraine’s Most Famous Cat, Escaped the War to Safety” by Taylor Lorenz.

Image: Sunflower seeds. By Marilyn Evans.

My Legacy

From time to time I write about books I’m reading, have finished, or am remembering fondly. I’ve just finished two books I got from the library: Quick & Legal Will Book and Estate Planning Basics, both by Denis Clifford, an attorney.  “Why, oh why, Marilyn?” you ask, clutching your pearls. It’s kind of a long story so stick with me. There’s something to do with writing at the end of this, I promise

Every time Jonathan and I fly, we look at each other and say, “We really need to have a will.” In spite of our addiction to the television program “Air Disasters”, we know flying is safer than driving, but still, when you’re together and should the worst happen to us both at the same time, what poor sod is going to deal with all our piles and piles of stuff? So I’m reading these books to help me get a handle on how to make a plan. I’ve seen the Bleak House disaster that is a contested will and the generalized mayhem that results from moving on to the next adventure without a will. I hope to spare my grieving friends and relatives (assuming, of course, they will be grieving) from the agony of a long, drawn out probate and other horrors.

Here are some things I have learned. Even lawyers admit the purpose of probate is to enrich lawyers and the state. There are ways to avoid probate with clever estate planning and tools like Transfer Upon Death, and Pay Upon Death, living trusts, Joint Tenancy or Joint Ownership, and cleverly giving away your stuff before you die so you know the things you want to go to certain people will indeed go to those people. I have learned that you don’t need attorneys. That different states have different laws (no surprise there). People probably have way more assets than they think. And most people don’t have enough total assets to need to pay estate tax.

Another thing I learned is that the hardest thing for me is figuring out who the heck to name as an executor. It’s got to be someone who likes you enough to put up with the pain and agony that is dealing with an estate. Fortunately, there is a guide book for that, too. And who do you leave what to? If I fall off my perch first, easy. Everything goes to my poor husband who has to deal with it, and I’m, ahem, free as a bird. Over the past few years, a lot of friends and relatives have passed, and watching their relatives try to figure out what to do with all the stuff has been painful to watch. So even if everything goes to Jonathan, a will might give him some ideas about how to dispose of some of the piles and piles of piles and piles.

But one of the more interesting things I learned–here is the bit about writing–is that you can and should leave you copyrights to someone. And that includes copyrights for things like blogs, short stories, articles, books, and so forth. Until I’d read these books, this had never occurred to me. If you’re curious about how long a copyright is good for, go here.

https://www.copyright.gov/circs/circ15a.pdf

Rule of thumb is the author’s life time plus 70 years. If you have anything that has been or should be copy righted, give this some thought. If I make it clear who has control of my publications, after I’m long gone and someone wants to buy the rights and turn my stuff into movies, my heir might get a nice check. Or I may sink into obscurity. I’m okay either way.

Image:  Books with legal advice. Photo by Marilyn Evans.

Four Years and Fading?

Four years (and a month and a bit) ago I started writing this blog. I say writing, but it has been more like dropping in and out. There are lots of times, like lately, when I’m pretty sure I have nothing important or interesting to say. Other times I’m fairly burning with the desire to share my thoughts.

I recently saw a documentary about Rachel Carson, the author most notably of Silent Spring. I was surprised by how many things in her life were similar to my own experiences–like being hijacked by a love of biology in college when she had other plans for her life. One thing that particularly resonated with me was that she sometimes had trouble concentrating on writing when others things, hard things, interrupted her life. I know how she must have felt.

As always, ideas for what to write for this blog come to mind, often at night, but sitting down and writing them is another thing. Perhaps it’s time to retire the blog, I say to myself. There are so many, less important things I could be doing. For instance, there is a garden to plan and seeds to start, although it’s months before anything can go in the ground. And last year’s garden was so miserable I swore I’d never grow another thing…but then the days started getting longer, and the beds have a new layer of well-rotted stall cleanings, and what will the squirrels eat if they can’t raid my garden? I got a keyboard for my birthday, so I can finally get serious about learning to play the piano. And I have a new knitting pattern and a stash of yarn, so there is needle work to get on with. And Spanish to learn. And cats to annoy. And friends to stay in touch with.

I have a book written and only in need of some serious editing. Rewriting to completion should be as easy as falling off a log (not that I’ve done that lately, but once learned it can easily be repeated). And yet, I seem to keep getting stuck. My lack of focus has me a little worried. But honestly, if I never write another blog post or never finish the novel, will the world be in any way adversely affected?

I’m not one of those people who have to write no matter what. I know they are out there. But that’s not me. I can write or not. See here? I’m not writing. Don’t need to. Not missing it. But then again, just like I can’t walk past a seed display in the store and not want to buy the promise of something to grow, I can’t seem to kick the habit of wanting to put some words down and inflict them on my friends and family and other helpless innocents. The only problem is, there may be some really long pauses between posts. You’ve probably noticed that. I have no excuses. So perhaps it’s time to get back to it. There must be something worth saying. You can’t lead a life as dissipated as mine and not have garnered some insight or wisdom or opinions or cautionary tales. Stay tuned. I might yet write something profound. Or at least entertaining.

Now back to all the really unimportant stuff that is calling my name.

Image: Baby plants. By Marilyn Evans.

Road Trip

I recently spent two weeks in Tucson, Arizona. The purpose of the trip was to help my best friend deal with being widowed. Let me start by saying death sucks. The death of someone you love and rely on, a friend and lover and soul mate, sucks maximally. Nothing anyone can do will make it better, so you can only do what you can do and that’s be there in case there is anything you can do.

I like airports–hiking up and down the length of the terminals, looking at all the people and into all the shops–but I’m not such a fan of airplanes. I was lucky because I managed to catch the window when none of my flights got cancelled due to blizzards or the pandemic. I did, however, spend seven uninterrupted  hours in an N95 mask, not fun but necessary. I was also lucky in that the weather in Tucson was lovely compared to what Kansas City was experiencing. Flowers were blooming, hummingbirds and vermilion flycatchers were flittering about, the butterflies were emerging at the Tucson Botanical Garden, and the sunsets on the Santa Catalina Mountains were spectacular. It was good to be with my friend and to try to help with the thousand little things that need doing when tragedy strikes. So many things you never think of.

You’ll recall from previous blog posts that I often get a lot of writing done when I’m in Tucson. I’m sure you’ll understand that I didn’t get a lot of writing done while I was there this time. Other things seemed more important.

I feel like I should have something profound to say about death and dying and those left behind and how we mourn. But there’s been too much death and dying over the past two years, both from the pandemic and the other things that take us away from our loved ones. So I’ll stop here and say, this is just a quick post to let you know I’m back, and there’s more coming.

Image: Sunset on the Santa Catalina Mountains. By M. Evans

How Not to Write and How to Not Write

Stephen King’s wonderful book On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft, is something every aspiring writer (and maybe every reader) should read. I haven’t read it in quite a while and am due to revisit it. There are many great books on writing–how to, what the writer’s life is like, how to edit and plot, and all kinds of good stuff. I have a lot of these kinds of books and have read most of them and have gotten a lot of books on writing from the library. Some of the books are better than others, but anything that teaches you something useful is good. I haven’t seen too many books on how not to write, so let me see if I can fill a tiny bit of that void with some advice on how NOT to write and even how to not write. (They are different, trust me.)

First how not to write. Don’t write “in the style of” someone famous and much loved unless you’ve really made a study of how that person writes. You can certainly borrow plots (Shakespeare did) and some great stuff has come out of what was started out as fan fiction. But if you want to write in the style of, say Jane Austen, make sure you understand her wicked sense of humor as well as her time and culture. Paying tribute may be a great way to start, but honestly, you have your own voice. Find it. Use it.

Second, don’t slide over plot points. If it’s important to the story, give it some time and effort. Don’t spring stuff out of the blue without some foreshadowing. “Oh, and by the way, she was an orphan with a twin who was raised by witches,” you write in chapter twelve when suddenly, conveniently the twin appears. Readers hate that. It’s like cheating. Find a way to hint at or even tell about something that becomes important later.

Third, don’t pick you mom and your best friend for editors. They will love it no matter how bad it is. Get someone who will be honest AND instructive. “This is terrible” isn’t useful criticism. “I don’t understand this part” or “I wish you told me more about…” is. Part two of this is, don’t ignore criticism of your work. Fix it or explain it or make it better. If one person has trouble with it, likely others will too.

Don’t use “just”. The problem is, once you use “just”, it just invites all its relatives and just starts showing up everywhere, like in every paragraph and sometimes in every sentence. If you just mean “merely” or “simply” or “only”, use those instead if you must. If you mean “right and fair”, “just” is okay. Just do a word search and eliminate them all. Then if you re-read and in spots it makes no sense, just add it back. Just sayin’.

Don’t use cliches. I know everyone says this, but gosh it’s tempting to use the shorthand of cliches. Don’t do it. Don’t describe in exhausting detail things that don’t move the plot along. Don’t use slang unless your audience is familiar with it or unless it is integral to the story and you make it clear by the context what it all means. Don’t kill the dog. Or the kid. Unless that is what the story is about. Make sure you know what your story is about. And stick to it. The detailed sex scene may be earth shattering, but is it relevant? Of course there is a lot more, but this is only a blog post, not a book. Let’s get to how to not write.

You won’t get any writing done if you have no place to do it, no place where you and your thoughts can collude in some level of peace and quiet. And when you insist on not being disturbed because you’re writing, make sure you’re writing. You won’t write if you don’t have a time to write, a time set aside to focus on what you want to say. You won’t write if you put everything and everyone ahead of writing, if you’re never a little selfish, just for a little while. You won’t write if you spend too much time doubting yourself or thinking your work should be perfect on the first draft–it won’t be, but that doesn’t mean anything. You won’t write if you give up, but you also won’t write if you plug away at something that is making you bored and frustrated and disgusted. For Pete’s sake, give it a rest. You can always come back to it. And if you give in to the despair of writer’s block, you won’t write. But it will pass. An idea will mug you when you least expect it, and you’ll get back to writing and abandon not writing, so in your face, writer’s block!

I don’t pretend to know much about writing or how to write well, but I do write. I plan to keep doing it. Hope this helps.

Image: Some writing books. The rest are in the public library. By Marilyn Evans

Autumn Rituals

Two big days happen at the beginning of my autumn (yes, officially autumn began September 22, but humor me). The first big day is Halloween, the second is November 1.

Halloween, Samhain, the Day of the Dead, whatever you may call it, is the time of year to celebrate and honor those who have passed on to the next world or to otherwise acknowledge Death, the other side of being born. It’s also a time to watch a plethora of terrible horror films and the Simpson’s Tree House of Horror, visit a haunted house, drink and feast (possibly in costume) with friends, decorate–sometimes extravagantly–but above all, it is the time to give away candy.

My love of all things holiday can be directly traced to my father. Passing out candy was one of the all time highlights of the year. I know there are those who say the Trick or Treaters have to be children in costumes, but I’m of the school that anyone who shows up at my house on October 31 gets candy or in some cases, if they are of a certain age and so inclined, a tasty adult beverage.

I was deeply disappointed this year when I only had four costumed children (and a mom also suitably dressed). Even in the midst of last year’s raging pandemic we had a better turn out. I fear “Trunk or Treat” events or other incursions into tradition may be eroding my pleasure. I pray next year will be back to my preferred normal.

The second big event is the start of National Write a Novel in a Month month. This is day two and I’m hitting my word count. I woke up this morning excited to write. This is a happy thing after the long dry summer with a few short stories and not much else including blog posts. I’m back in full swing and having a great time. I always promise myself that after November, I’ll write another novel in December and another in January…. You already can guess how that will work out, but leave me my optimism. I have ideas, plot lines, rough drafts, and a big bowl of leftover Halloween candy. What could possibly go wrong?

Image: Halloween Party Food 2002. By Jonathan Hutchins.

 

Back in the Saddle Again

Maybe it’s the pandemic, maybe it’s the season or the era or something else entirely, but it’s been hard to write lately. I haven’t been the only writer having a long dry spell. I simply haven’t been able to get myself motivated. However, the contract with my publisher recently ended so he’s stopped supporting my book which means it has been listed on Amazon as out of print. That means I either had to find another publisher or self publish. I haven’t self published before, so I thought I’d give it a shot. I did a bit of editing (there was a continuity error that needed fixing and a couple of other things I wanted to add or change) and suddenly the second edition of Beloved Lives is on line and available as an e-book or paperback.

Mind you, I have been writing a tiny bit over the past months. Story ideas come in the night and poke me until I wake up enough to work them out and/or write them down. In the morning I’ll get a draft together, let it sit a while, then do serious editing after a decent interval. Then it needs to rest a bit more. It’s kind of like making bread with time between steps to allow the yeast to work and the loaf to rise. One story has gone off to be published eventually in an anthology. Anthologies are notoriously slow, so no telling when that will be in print, but there is nothing like getting an acceptance letter to get the juices flowing. And I have a couple of other new stories that are trying to find homes as well. When I’m sure of the publication dates or see actual contracts, I’ll let you know where and when these things might appear.

I have to admit, the process of reviewing and editing Beloved Lives got me in the mood to revisit The Gingerbread House, a mystery that wasn’t quite mysterious enough and needed a couple of red herrings thrown in. Over the past year it has been really hard to get back to it, but lately I’m having a lot of fun working on it. Revisiting my characters is being a real treat. I hadn’t planned to finalize and publish it until 2022, but Jonathan, my beloved spouse, thinks I ought to try to have it done in time for Christmas. If I work hard over November, that is a real possibility. Once all those things are done, perhaps I can finally get back to The Iliad in Space (working title, of course). That one has been in process for a very long time.

I do enjoy my stories, and I love my characters. It’s good to be back in the saddle, riding along with them into the publishing sunset.

Image: Fort Leavenworth Fox Hunt at Mulvane Ranch in the Flint Hills. By Jonathan Hutchins.

A Legacy

Four years ago my mother’s oldest brother died. He had led a remarkable life, but in his old age his mind began to fail him. He never had children, although he had many nieces and nephews to whom he left his estate. The settlement of that estate took years for weird, Dickensian reasons. If you are familiar with the novel Bleak House, you’ll get an idea of the ins and outs of the process of distributing Uncle Bob’s worldly goods. His estate was finally settled, and his  legacy was bequeathed, but not without a whole lot of weirdness.

My father’s older sister died in the early summer, the last of a large family of brothers and sisters. She passed quietly in her sleep at the age of ninety-eight. She was the mother of my favorite cousins, the matriarch of an incredibly close family  who gathered every Sunday for feasting and sharing. These people understand my sense of humor because they have it too. My aunt was one of the greatest cooks on the planet. Ask anyone who knew her. The pastor who officiated at her funeral nailed it: “When Virginia meets Jesus, he’ll say, ‘You’ve earned your rest. Sit here beside me, and we’ll talk.’ And she will reply, ‘If you want to talk with me, we can do it in the kitchen. People are coming, and they have to be fed.’” Yep, that’s Aunt Virginia.

My close friend died a little over a year ago, killed by a speeding felon who hit her car. Mari’s greatest legacy, in my opinion, is the many, many people she taught how to ride a horse with skill and confidence. She taught people to love horses and how to care for them. Because of her, I fox hunted in Ireland and rode a horse over a three-foot-six-inch fence without dying. Besides teaching, my friend rescued countless animals, large and small. Those of us who remember her and miss her feel grateful for her legacy.

My stepmother died of cancer this summer. We had a rocky start but became really good friends over the years. I missed her during the pandemic when getting together got tougher. I will continue to miss her now that she’s gone, miss our conversations and time together.

A compelling reason for creating anything, for teaching anyone, for having children, is to leave something behind—to create a legacy. We often don’t have a say in how what we leave behind is interpreted. I’m sure there are people who were monsters but thought they were doing good things. They are the ones we damn for their legacy. Others may think they failed, but as time goes on, that proves to be incorrect. Georges Bizet died thinking Carmen, was a flop, and so it was at first. Now it is one of his most beloved works.

I think perhaps we should be kinder to ourselves. While we can do our best to do good things, to create, teach, raise children, care for animals, work for the welfare of our planet, leave money to our heirs; in the end, we have no say in how those we leave behind will interpret our legacy. All we can do is the best we know how, and love everyone we can, and tell them so often.

Image: One of my grandmother’s quilts. By M. Evans